Thursday, September 6, 2018

*Sigh* Life…Why? (It’s really not so bad, but still)

(Skip to the bottom if you just care about how real life is affecting my blogging habits.)

Okay, so I know I normally do a life update, and I still plan to do My Mondays, but I felt I needed to give a little bit more of an update, since I lost has happened since June, and it’s only just beginning….and I’m already exhausted, lol, oh well…

So, as some (most?) of you know, I’m Stephanie Lynn. I turned 24 last month, I’m currently living mostly with my mom and step-dad (who would rather I wasn’t, but yeah, he’s getting better about dealing with the mystery that is me.) Along with my parents, there is also my little brother and sister (half, we have the same mom, but to me it’s all the same, they are mine, and I am theirs.) There is also my grandma, I’ll get to that. (And we don’t mention my aunt, my mom’s sister, since she pretends we don’t exist 90% of the time, and only comes around when she needs something…ugh)

You also probably know I have a hard time dealing with mental illness, bipolar I and anxiety are diagnosed, but I also have Asperger syndrome (I’m high-functioning, but I still hate dealing with crowds and strangers, how much depends on the day), but Insurance doesn’t pay for the testing, so I’m not supposed to mention that. (Thankfully, my step-dad does work and I should have insurance until I’m 26, so he does try to help me some.)

Because of my struggles, I’ve not been able to work, and also don’t have my drivers license, so no car. (Which I really want to fix by next year.) My grandma also doesn’t drive do to health reasons. Making it hard for me to work. Why? Well, until last March, I was living with her most of the time for the last 3 years, since I dropped out of college to take care of her, and to try to pay off a loan so I can go back to school on my terms (HAHA, yeah, that didn’t work so well.) Well…it did, until I started a job at Wal-Mart working nights. The job wasn’t so bad, but things happened, and I ended up manic for 3 months before having the biggest crash of my life, and went into a super bad depression. Almost a year later, I was sent to a psychiatrists to be diagnosed. Since then, I’ve only been able to work part time, and it usually results in me rapid cycling between mania and depression, not a good thing for something trying to work.

That was 2 years ago. After a terrible March, in which I was forced to suddenly stop taking both my meds back to back since my Dr. just kept upping the dose until I was unable to function, I finally found a combination that works. So why am I with my parents instead of my grandma? Food Stamps… As of March, I was told I had to work 2 hrs or more to qualify, but my grandma gets a fixed income, for being retired and a widow, and when I was working over the holidays, we lost out Food Stamps for me making too much, but I was only working 10-15 hrs a week, which went completely on the cab rides to and from work, and I made less that $20 a week.

My mom is also disabled, with autoimmune disease and vision trouble among other things, but my step-dad makes too much (20 years at a glass factory) and so far she hasn’t been able to get any help. She also home-schools, which would keep her from getting disability, but both her other kids also have disabilities (my sister has panic attacks, and has since age 4 or 5, and my brother is dyslexic and autistic). I went to public school, and was bullied and had no resources even though I was diagnosed with depression at age 6. It wasn’t until I lashed out and hit my mom while she was driving. (In my defense, I had no intentions of hurting her, and didn’t even realize how hard I hit her at the time…I know that makes it sound worse, but that was super out of character for me. I was told by a doctor I was in distress and needed to see a psychiatrists).

I can’t get a job unless we help my grandma move, since I’m on the lease, but I can’t live with her because I don’t have a car so I’m at home 24/7 and end up super unstable and yeah it gets really bad, especially at night when I don’t have any support at all. (I’m a night owl most of the time, and it’s so bad now that I have gone 2-3 days on only 1 hour or so of sleep because I’m so dependent on meds, it sucks.)

The problem is, my step-dad has kicked my out before, and had been talking about it lately as well. I can’t stay with my grandma since without a car because I would have to work full time but they don’t hire full time in the town she lives in. When my parents live, they mostly only hire full time, but I never know how long I’m going to be staying with my parents before I have to leave, and if my grandma moves to a 1 bedroom or elderly place, I won’t have anywhere to go. Also, she was told she had to work 24 hrs community service or she would never be able to live in housing again, but when she was living in housing she had finished all her service, and was on good terms, and now, 10 years later, she is in her 70s and can’t even walk to the kitchen or bathroom without being unable to catch her breath. I really wish I could find a way to take care of her, and get Food Stamps as a caretaker, but that’s not looking likely, and she can’t afford to pay for a nurse or other caretakers. We also can’t send her to a nursing home or other similar place with people who can help her because they will take her whole check, and she has more loans out than she has check to go around, so there is no money for food, clothes, anything really, and if I’m having to pay for a ride to work and back, it makes the problem worse.

So…yeah, it’s a bad situation all the way around, and I’m hoping to have an answer, but Ive found that there is no easy answer, and I’m just waiting for a break-though somewhere. On the plus side, my step-dad has agreed to help me pay off the loan for school so I can get my transcripts and transfer to a better school, but even that won’t be paid off until February which is too late to get into the Spring semester so I have another year of this to look forward to.

Oh! And the reason I felt I should write this, in April and June I mentioned being more active, and including more pictures (this is also why I’m not posting much on Instagram). At my grandma’s I have access to unlimited WiFi, so I can post and interact a whole lot more. At my mom’s not so much. She does have internet, but their data is cut off at 10 gig, after that it’s super slow and uploads are impossible (which means…very limited pictures.) Also there is no way 5 people can have WiFi on so little data, so I have to wait for public hot-spots, I know not the safest places to go, but what can I do? Plus, my step-dad loves to watch Youtube videos, and if we run out of data too soon, I always get blamed (I usually do, even if I didn’t do it…it’s okay, I’ve learned to tune most of it out.) Anyway, if he catches me watching even 5 second vids on Facebook I get in trouble, so I much rather get on after the data is used up, but WordPress refuses to upload anything without data, so I can only post things I can find online (so if you see a blog tour missing a photo, that’s probably why LOL also it means that even if I took loads of pretty pictures…I have no idea when I’d be able to upload them for you to see. A shame really, since I have I few I’m super happy with.)

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