Monday, July 2, 2018

My Monday

It’s already July! This year is going by so fast! I’m super excited for the books I’m reading this month, so far I’m loving the few I started, and can’t wait to get to a few others.

I’m still struggling to decide what to do about a job. I was living with my grandma in a 2-bedroom apartment that’s income based. But as of January, I was told I’m not eligible for Food Stamps, and they called my psychiatrist, and were told she wouldn’t help me unless they have an ‘official government paper’ which apparently the DHS office doesn’t have. So I’m living with my mom and crazy step-dad, but it’s super unstable here, and if I get a job, grandma will have to move and I won’t be able to live with her. My step-dad has already kicked me out a few times since I was 18, and it’s not a good environment. The only reason I’m here is after my holiday job at Kohl’s I was really unstable, and my mom was the only one who could help me, and after I lost my job, I was also told I couldn’t get Food Stamps without working 20 hrs, but they stopped our Food Stamps when I was working 10-15 hrs at Kohl’s saying with my grandma’s Social Security we made too much, yet we had no money left over for food.

There is a Dollar General hiring down the street, but I don’t drive, (neither does my grandma, that’s the other reason I’m with my mom and step-dad). I’m also waiting for vocational rehab to help me find a job, but I have to stay there 3 months, which means I can’t afford to get kicked out of my step-dad’s house, but he has been increasingly unstable, which isn’t good for me as I have bipolar I and generalized anxiety, and am easily influenced by other’s emotional state. If I start a job near my mom’s house, my grandma will be forced to move and I will no longer be able to live with her, but I have no transportation when she lives, and so I can’t keep a job.

Also my Behavior Specialist wants me to live with my grandma, and walk 5 miles round trip on a road without sidewalks that goes over large hills and sharp, blind, curves. She thought they had side-walks the whole way, but don’t for the first 1.5 miles, and it’s not a safe walk. That said, she wants me away from my step-dad, who keeps pushing me, and she is afraid I’ll eventually lash out, causing more trouble, because he can’t stand me talking if I get the least bit excited, either from normal excitement or frustration, and says ‘she’s manic again!’ even when I’m stable. (Note: He’s also likely bipolar as both his parents were, and his brothers are, but he works at a factory with swing-shift, so couldn’t take meds, even if he actually would.)

He wants me to get a job, then move out on my own right away, but I can’t do that without a car, or some way to get to and from work. (I’ve had my drivers permit since I was 15 (and keep renewing it), but due to extreme anxiety and panic attacks, have only been on the read once, and ended up locking up the breaks, which had a recall we didn’t know about at the time, and my step-dad won’t let me live it down, even though I was 17 or 18 at the time.) My anxiety is better controlled now, but when I work, I often end up manic and unstable, so I’m not sure if I will be able to drive anyway, and SSI isn’t an option. My current meds and working better than anything else I tried, but I won’t know until I start working again if they are enough to keep me stable.

I’m just praying that things work out. I want to find a way to learn to drive, get a car, and an apartment, then go back to school and finish my degree. The biggest problem is that I don’t really have anyone to teach me to drive, as my step-dad doesn’t trust me, and thinks I’m crazy, meaning he also doesn’t want my mom to help me, and my grandma is legally blind, or close and was told by a dr. she couldn’t drive anymore, and she hasn’t owned a car in 10+ years. Also I’m not comfortable living alone, especially in low-income housing, but most places don’t allow big dogs, and I can’t stand most little breeds. (Sorry, but they are just noise makers!)

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